March 05, 2021
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Seven New Public Announcements In The Anti-National Era

Seven New Public Announcements In The Anti-National Era
Photo by Jitender Gupta/Outlook
Seven New Public Announcements In The Anti-National Era
  • ‘Delhi Metro welcomes you. Please don’t sit on the floor or play music loudly. This train is up to Patiala House Courts only. There will be lawyers boarding the train with lathis and batons, please offer your seats to them. They are on an important mission of identifying unpatriotic citizens, especially emaciated students, who will then ‘unke phone bhi todenge, bone bhi todenge’. The doors always open on the extreme right. Mind the abyss.’
  • ‘Namaskar. Yatri kripaya dhyan dein…the Delhi-Patna Rajdhani Express welcomes you. Please keep your luggage in the luggage rack. There has been a change in schedule: this train will not stop at Begusarai. Check under your seats to make sure there are no khadi-kurta clad, jhola-slung, dirty jeans, chappals, spectacled, bearded if male, par-kati, dented-painted if female, smelling of hashish, youngsters there. These could be extremely dangerous anti-nationals. Please call up the police or a lawyer immediately. If they are late in coming, beat them to a pulp yourself. Don’t worry, no charges will be leveled against you. Act quickly, they are backed by the ISIS, LeT, Jaish, Taliban, al-Qaeda and Kim Jong-un.’
  • ‘Deviyon aur sajjano. Delhi SmartCity mein aapka swagat hai. As you can see, everything is shining and swachch here, stock markets are zooming, economy is booming, ‘achche din’ have always been here. What’s more, this is a journalist-free zone—we show zero-intolerance to all media persons. Only Times Now reporters are allowed here, they have been issued special passes, but all other presstitudes stay clear of any reporting. Home minister Rajnath Singh and I&B minister Arun Jaitley will be providing all the video clips, cleared for airing on TV and photos fit for printing in newspapers.’
  • Delhi Police…Delhi Police. With you. For You. Always. You can’t shake us off. This Sarojini Nagar market is under CCTV surveillance. It is known to be the favourite haunt of JNU students. If you see any of them, immediately call the sedition helpline 1800-124(A)-124(A). You can also send an email to the police commissioner B.S. Bassi himself, bassi@7RCR.pmo, he will come personally and order his men to look the other way as you squash them. If there are too many of them, making speeches, please dial O.P. Sharma, he will, if he has his gun with him, ‘goli se uda denge’.
  • ‘Now we request your full attention as the flight attendants demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft. This plane is perfectly safe as no JNU student or anyone who has passed through it can ever afford to fly. But in the event that few of them have strayed, have become capitalists and boarded this flight, old leanings die hard. Please report anyone who doesn’t greet you with Jai Shri Ram or Bharat Mata Ki Jai to the captain immediately. These are first signs of a traitor.’
  • ‘Welcome to PVR. Your auditorium has two exits in the front and one at the back. Beware of saboteurs and subalterns. In case of an emergency -- for instance, if this Anupam Kher film suddenly stops and Muzaffarnagar Baqi Hai starts playing -- don’t panic. We will thrash the culprits and send them to remand. We will also be playing Meri desh ki dharti sona ugle, ugle heere moti…shortly. If anyone doesn’t stand up, please start thrashing them, these are Pakistanis. If you hear anyone humming, ‘chupke, chupke raat din, aanso bahana yaad hai’, tweet the home minister. He or she is Hafeez Saeed’s operative. Break glass, take out the hammer, and hit them on the head.’
  • ‘Come, come to Make in India mall, it is full of fun. To keep it that way, we have placed a Dalit-detector at the entrance. It beeps the minute anyone passes it without wearing Dolce Gabbana or Paco Rabanne. Take cover and inform the army as all of them are unpatriotic. If they try to ambush you, please dial Smriti Irani urgently.’ 
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